Two weeks already

It is hard to believe it has been two weeks.  We miss you SO MUCH.  If I close my eyes, I can still imagine you here beside me, rubbing your ears and the way your fur felt.  The way it made me feel when I would look deep into your beautiful warm brown eyes.

You were the heart of the house.  We brought you home when we had only lived here for 2 weeks.  I have only a few memories in this house without you.  You are in every corner of this house.

Your bed is still where it was with your pillows in the dining room, but it has been empty for two weeks.  Until today, when I found Lola sleeping on it for the first time ever.  There is a big empty spot in our bed, too.  We all have our most difficult times of the day and for me it is supper time.  I only have to grab one food bowl for your sister and there is not all this stuff that has to go in her food for supplements and meds.  Your bowl stand is still there, too.  We still fill your water bowl.  Lola always drank from your water bowl more than her own anyway.  The first night I stood over your bowls sobbing like a baby.  We all still cry at least once a day.

We’ve been looking at old photos and videos of you.  It seems so weird to see you with 4 legs, especially moving and walking on all 4.  I miss that 3-legged hopping noise in the house.  I miss you whining when you wanted to come up stairs and the baby gates were up or when you needed help up the stairs.  There are endless memories that make us laugh.  The things you did, the times we had, the good and the bad.  (The time you walked around the couch 32 times with a sock in your mouth trying to get us to chase you.)  Almost all good memories.  The only real bad was when we had to make that tough decision to amputate and then at the end, just two weeks ago.  We have no regrets for everything we did.  We really did have a wonderful 26 months.  Every extra day we had you was so worth it all.  You had such a great quality of life for almost all of those 26 months.  The surgery was tough and the last month of your life was tough, but it was all so worth it in between.  Some might say we did too much, and some might say we didn’t do enough.  People always vary wildly on their opinions when it comes to dogs.  But we did what we could, when we could, because we could and because we felt it was right for you and for our family.

We will remember your last night in the back yard for a long time to come.  Even in that time after the first seizure and before the second, you still had such a want for fun.  You ran around the back yard after a ball and I was so sure we had more time left than we did.

Some pictures from our last evening:

A very quintessential Butchey Hudson face.
A very quintessential Butchey Hudson face.
Baaaaalllllll
Baaaaalllllll

IMG_2301

IMG_2329

Dada, Lola pooped over there!  Don't let her crawl into it
Dada, Lola pooped over there! Don’t let her crawl into it
Oh no…here she comes!

I have met so many wonderful people through my dogs.  I owe a debt of gratitude to many people who I have met over the years that have mentored and enriched our lives.  The list is long and many.  I am hopeful you all know who you are, as I wouldn’t want to post everyone’s name here on the internet.  But thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  We also are very thankful for all the excellent veterinary care he has received through his cancer treatment.  I’ve never met such a wonderful caring bunch of people.  We could not have gotten through all of this without you and your support.  And, of course to Tripawds, to an amazing support community, a place to blog, a place to vent, and a wealth of information and friendship, thank you all so much.

For 26+ months, I tried to “Be More Dog” and live in the moment and not fear tomorrow and not live in the guilt of yesterday.  But I failed miserably.  I am only human.  But I will still try tomorrow and every day after that.  For Butchey Hudson, I will keep trying.

Always in our hearts
Always in our hearts

11 thoughts on “Two weeks already

  1. Nancy,
    Beautifully written. We all try to “Be more Dog” I fail every day now. This mourning stuff sucks. I know how you feel listening for that hopping down the hall. I still do it. I am sure I will for awhile. I try to stay strong for Bosch and that first day of only filling 1 food bowl sucked. The firsts always do, shoot so does the 2nds etc.
    Thank you for sharing Butchey with us and his pictures.
    Love you Butchey Hudson.

    xoxox
    Hugs
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  2. Oh Nancy & Brett…..I’ve been wondering how you’re doing in this time….been wanting to check in with you….I am sitting here crying…for you…with you… I don’t know what to say other than I UNDERSTAND fully and totally. The pictures are lovely…cherish them always…Love you to and your family…

    Tracy, Spirit Maggie & Haley too..

  3. Oh, Nancy, that was beautiful. You are a gifted writer. Those pictures are precious as well. Butchey was one of my favorite tripawds. I grieve with you, and I know how much the mourning process sucks. I still mourn Chili Dawg and Finchy, too. It’s especially hard when they are your heart dog.

    Hugs,

    Jenna and Spirits Chili Dawg and Finchy and monkey butt Buster

  4. Nancy, you’ve captured so many of my thoughts and emotions so beautifully. He was a gorgeous boy; thank you for sharing your pictures and memories.

    -Liz and Angel Roxie

  5. It’s been 3 1/2 years since we let Max go. My usual statement is that I would drive a bus of nuns and orphans off a cliff if I could have Max back. So keep mourning, keep failing at being more dog. It’s extremely normal. If we were more dog, we’d have a lot less problems in our lives. Unfortunately, humans just aren’t meant to be as great as dogs. Butchey was a great dog, and you will never forget him, and you will always miss him. And I can’t think of a more fitting legacy for a special boy to leave his family.

  6. Nancy-

    Thank you for sharing the last evening. How happy he looked and what perfect memories.

    I completely understand the food bowl – just tonight feeding only the three brought tears to my eyes as there is an empty spot in the routine.

    Thinking of you.
    Luanne and Spirit Shooter

  7. I am sorry I did not reply to this yesterday, Nancy. I knew you had written it. I knew it would be hard. I was a wuss and didn’t get up my nerve till this morning, because I knew you would have many of the same thoughts I had. The mealtime prep was very hard for me, though bedtime was probably the hardest. Evelyn being lost and not knowing where to go to sleep and just pacing-pacing-pacing throughout the night made me lay there and cry.

    I think it’s a very good thing I have Evelyn and you have Lola. There is still much fun in the world, much goodness and joy, and your family gets to experience it with Lola. You have a little girl who was guided and guarded through her infancy by the best caretakers possible in Butchey and Lola. She gets to experience the love of a dog with Lola going forward. She will see these pictures of herself with Butchey and you will tell her all about him. As long as those stories are told, Butchey is there. Just like Dakota, Butchey is right there in your heart, exactly where he belongs. He will guard it well and never leave it.

    Shari

  8. Beautiful Post Nancy and what beautiful pictures. Butchey will always be with you in your heart – I know that doesn’t offer much, but it is something. Been thinking about you guys……

    All my love,
    Erica

  9. This is so heartfelt Nancy, please know that you have not failed to be more dog, you are the living embodiment of it. For it was your pawsitivity that kept his journey going, even when things got tough. You inspired us, and so many other people, with all of the sweet tales of Butchey’s life, that is a big win in our book.

    I know the heartache of missing a big piece of your heart, and I am so, so sorry. You are in our thoughts. Please come back and share more good times with us, you can vent too, we are always your family.

  10. Dear Nancy, I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful and detailed post. You are so right how all the preparedness that we do does not make things any easier. I am thankful for each extra day Sasha is with me and I know how lucky I am that she is still around, though knowing this does not make even the thought of loosing her any easier.

    My heart goes out to you and your family.

    Much love,
    Liliana

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